COMING BACK TO LIFE

Where were you

when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by

from my window watching Where were you

when I was hurt and helpless Because the things you say and

the things you do surround me While you were hanging yourself on

someone else's words Dying to believe in

what you heard I was staring

straight into the shining sun Lost in thought

and lost in time While the seeds of life

and the seeds of change were planted Outside the rain

fell dark and slow While I pondered on this

dangerous but irresistible pastime I took a heavenly ride

through our silence I knew

the moment had arrived For killing the past

and coming back to life I took a heavenly ride

through our silence I knew

the waiting had begun And headed straight..

into the shining sun

What How When Why ???????????

What's that i am looking for?What's that i am hoping to happen?What's that i am hoping to come forward?Why i am clinging to the things that i wont have?Why i am always behind that i am not supposed to go?What's motivating me to continue this dull life?Why everything has to be so dull?Why it is not cool to do what i want without following the so called mores?Why it is so difficult to be in love?How it is possible to leave what you think as your life?How can you remove your heart out and still remain alive?Why do anyone wish to die for the loved ones?Why are there rules and regulations?Why there are things to do and things not to do?How people accept the things they are not happy with?Why i am always fallible when it is you?Why i am so feeble inside when i think of you?What is that driving me forward to lead this so unpleasant life?Why there is always a competition to sustain your life?When will all this end?When will this end?How will this be completed?Is there so called love in this world?Where does this feeling reside?Whats the relation between wish and practicality?What is passion when it comes to human life?What is most important, love or love lost?Why do you feel you can die for someone?How do you feel when you are not loved?How it is possible to ignore the emotion?Why it is heart wrenching just to imagine the intruders in your life?Is it possible to have another life?Do you believe in incarnation?I want to have another life.I want to be with you.I want you to be with me.I want you to be happy.Is all this possible?

I don't like dank nights.I love foggy morning.What if i want to choose one but the practicality is that i can get one.I choose foggy morning but destiny has another choice for me.Summer came and night remain same.It means i got dusty morning and dank nights.

YOU ARE REJECTED

How often you have faced this phrase? "YOU ARE REJECTED". Though seem normal than many other expressions and normal to many people, it has its biggest importance whatsoever. Being rejected is the noxious phrase for everyone but it has its own place inside me.

I, being an arrogant foolish brat, used to think that this phrase is not for me and whatever I do in my life, will be successful. I never saw any limitations and never feel that’s for me. Success I have tasted in my life with the things I have been involved didn't let me think about the rejection. That's the biggest mistake I have been adhering with. It may be usual to all others but ego coupled with overconfidence blend with access to everything in the lapse of time has hit me somehow special. Result, is very notorious as I am crumbling in every fixture with this.

Even people around didn’t warn me about this over-joy ride. I got some warnings but the overwhelming positive effects have blinded the upcoming rejections that are on the way.

Then came that winter when it all finally started. YOU ARE REJECTED. One organization sent the mail addressing me making me furious. I thought that's its ignorance to send the rejection letter. With added vengeance, I applied for many more things with the still attached overconfidence. Result was same, depicting many more reasons I got the list and heaps of rejection letters. Slowly I wilted and started to think what went wrong. In the mean time, within last year, I have had as many rejections in every front of life, as I have had acceptance.

Thinking and analyzing past, I thought it is my destiny to get those situation and it's beyond my capacity to fight it. The best thing I can do regarding these situation is to keep quite and not be negative. What to do next? The confidence, rather the overconfidence has to be shed off, that’s for sure. I hope it will be good and best opportunities are in store for me but I still think rejection is very hard to accept. Pang in the heart could not be seen but scar of one rejection could be so lethal that ton of acceptance will not heal it.

Anyway with the heaps of rejections, it seems so normal to remain calm and expect nothing. This phase of life seems simple and soothing with no expectation and with nothing to think of. Still I wish I could have what I was pining for and that always haunts me whatever I do, wherever I go and whenever possible. I like this suffering but I don’t like rejection.

Clueless,Speechless,Aimless,Sleepless,Regardless?????

What is happening, I don't know.What is the right thing to happen?I don't know.What is the aim of my life?I don't know.Is this the anonymity in my life?I don't know.What would be the solution and how the enlightenment inside the vicious darkness of my life would initiate?uffffffffff i don't know.
Thinking about myself, these days, I frown.Would anybody is as clueless as i am now?Is it possible to be so detached with the reasoning and conscience?Where are the loads of knowledge and experiences i have stored for the so called difficult period of life?I think what I am experiencing is not as bad as I think.Its yet to come.I have whatsoever no clue how my day starts and how it ends.Doing everything as a routine is my daily diary I am being unconscious with my emotion, objective, plans and desire.Late at night when I recall how I took my life earlier i dont have courage to remember.In a way I dont want to remember coz I am deviating from the direction I want to go on and staying in the crossroad, waiting something to happen coz I am aimless at this juncture.
There are many ways infront of me but I dont have the capacity to analyze.Lets say I dont wish to.Why?Again clueless and what?Me aimless.I dont want to do anything in my life.Why one should always think of aims, objectives and goals.Why I can't live my life simple?As others do I can't change this world and I dont want to.I want it remain same for me.Clueless and aimless,me, at present is speechless too.
Everything I talk, think and hope are outrageous for others.I am not normal and I am not doing normal, I know that.But I am speechless coz I don't know what to do.I can't argue with others and I can't brief them about my situation.The individual that was in me, fluent in everything he said, clear in what he thinks,vivid in the decision he takes, focused in the aim he takes, confident in what he does, is no more.

Insomniac, I am, has spent many nights without closing my eyes.Although days after that are pretty hard for me, no matter how hard I try aimless and speechless will not have interest in sleep.Analyzing present and dreaming of better future is always a fantassy for anyone and that is also and aid for insomniac.Regardless of all, I am still clinged on my past.It hurts,aches but its sweet too.I cannot left it there and want to take on with me.Future I am waiting, I won't shade a penny, will keep all with me, no matter how hard it will be.Because there's no one to control my feelings, its mine and want to manage how i like, freely.

It Rains on Me

I felt something cold in my arms. Looking up I see nothing than a pile of clouds in the blue sky. I was hoping for a rain and a drop tickles my skin. It's mid July and still Kathmandu has not witness the rain. Don't know why barsha this year is not favoring us. Scientists and journalists argued it on the basis of climate change and locals are worshipping indradev to shade down his anger. I think the injustice and unruly people of Kathmandu could not lure indradev as corruption enters in the premise of god too. And climate change, I don’t know what will affect us more, climate change in environment or in Nepali politics?

Anyway, touched by a drop of rain, I headed towards home. Hoping to be soaked by rain in the days to come, way home, and the never ending traffic jam received me. Filthy water is used to beat the dust in the road and mud spraying job performed by the motorcycle ruined my clothes. Cursing the road and the Japanese company responsible to destroy it, I reached home drained in dust, thanks to our highway. From the corner of my eye, I could guess the collection of rainy clouds in the hills, a sigh of relief. Getting rid of the dusty clothes and sitting in front of the TV with special tea aama gave to me was the only thing that soothe my mind these days. Images are flicking in front of me yet I am thinking something mischievous and unknown in my head. I quite don’t know what I think these days. They are not complete in anyway. They are in the primitive state and I couldn't figure out what I am thinking. Trying to concentrate on the specific problems, chains of thoughts made me forget what is that special things I am bothering at present. I am very confused these days and confessing here I am not feeling great that it's been almost six months, I have had something significant. It's always messy and muggy.

However, hassles of people out in the streets besides my house break my thought. With the chiya I went out to see what's happen. I feel muddy outside. It's almost dark and could see people when one widened his eye.

In the balcony, I felt some rain. Running up in the roof with the cup I was almost jumping. All the neighbors were on top of their houses and waiting something special to happen. Clouds gather ominously in the sky and it's ready to pour. Still I was enjoying the sight, big drops of rain pounced in the roof. I was facing upwards feeling those drops in every part of my face. Forehead, eyes, nose, mouth, ears and every nerve center in there are enjoying in every possible way. Water ran through my neck and enters the body and in a minute I was completely drenched. Lucky me and lucky we. Finally it rains and I enjoyed the thunders and lightings thoroughly. Now I feel I have missed the rain very badly. I return inside the room and the sound of pouring rain outside is making my night even more enjoyable and cool than the waiting lists of updates in the face-book page of the computer besides my bed. I hope I won't open that computer tonight and let free my mind wherever it wants to go. Please don't disturb me tonight.

ps, frenzy feelings just poured out

sacrifice

Providing satisfaction to anyone without any intent of profit is sacrifice. It may sound and feel different to various people according to differences in the perception. Sacrifice in its true meaning is the outstanding feat of human kind as it opposes the natural behavior of human, i.e. selfishness. Removing the shell of selfish from any human could be regarded as the emergence of sacrifice. Helping other people to come out of misery, talking with someone just to share their feelings, assisting poor and disadvantaged ones to stand with others in this world are the examples of sacrifice. Just to help and assist without the pristine feel within one’s heart is also not a true sacrifice. Heart, mind, body and soul, if perform an action for the welfare of others without a hint of self-advantage, a true sacrifice could be witnessed at the same instance. History provides many examples and stories of sacrifice performed by individuals. They are done for country, society, family and for individual also. Some sacrifices are written in the pages of history while some became an ordinary to continue as an untold story.

Soldiers guarding the border of their countries are providing their life for the security of the country. Their youth, energy, perseverance and whole life is dedicated for the welfare of a country. That is a sacrifice made by individual for a country. Wealth, belongings people take while joining army is nominal while comparing the hardships they endure. Similarly, the politicians of any country sacrifice their private life for the welfare of society and country. If the negative attitude of the politicians are taken away for a moment and if think about the job they are intended to perform, that’s the best way to work for others.

While seeing things differently, every man is sacrificing something for the wellbeing of others. To see who are doing what in a positive way provides the way to see it. Books and literature lauded the sacrifices made for a country and society. Writers and historians think only of Gandhi and Luther King as a people sacrificing their life for a cause. But there are many others, in fact very ordinary people, who are sacrificing for a cause that seems nothing to others. Mother who sees her happiness in the eyes of her child waking up whole night just to make her baby sleep is a lauded act. The level of selflessness she performs for her child is a kind of sacrifice that could not be compared with others. One can argue that dedication of a lover to her partner is also a sacrifice. It can be true only if a person in love is ready to dedicate him/herself for the welfare of the person. If there is not objective of getting something from another person, only then it could be called a sacrifice. Story of Romeo Juliet is, due to similar reason, regarded as a story of sacrifice. Sacrifices made to make all other happy and to make just one person happy are different but the intensity and attitude required in both instances are same.

Is it possible to measure the level of sacrifice? Are there any systems to grade it? The questions that are quite common while analyzing the level of sacrifice are very hard to answer. The sacrifice performed is not weighed. It is never possible to grade the act. Any activities which cannot be grade and measured become sacrifice. They are only recognized and admired. The sacrifices made by people do not need loud applaud, it requires silent admiration. It needs an attention of the people and desires for the commitment to follow from the general people. Works and acts of great people of this globe thus need not be circulated more. They are required to be felt by us.

What can be done to perform the rare act of sacrifice? It is intriguing. Any person will feel that it’s very difficult to sacrifice. It’s very special to perform such things. Actually they are wrong. Any individual could sacrifice in a way. If we perform our regular works dutifully and in a disciplined way, then it is sacrifice. If we could think about the betterment of society and do not feel to harm others, it is sacrifice. As discussed earlier, GPA’s are not calculated while sacrificing things. It is very simple. Performing everyone’s duty as required by the rules and thinking positive to others is a way to sacrifice.

Sacrifice, a word that seems so heavy and that seems so hard to define is actually a very simple act to perform. A true person, a dedicated individual and a simple mind are the only required things for sacrifice. Great names and big stories of sacrifice are the lauded examples. There are sacrifices which are greatest than the acclaimed stories.

AWAY FROM HER

How trifle a matter can be? I could not reach her before going to bed. This was the thing which did not let me sleep, whole night. I was awake despite my best efforts. We talked whole day, went to a restaurant, walked down the streets,and chatted during the evening. She promised to be with me tomorrow. I was very happy and was trying to say good night. I called her but she did not pick up the phone. I tried many times but there was no response. I felt strange, why was she not responding my call?
The night was dark, and lonely. I was missing her even more. Standing in front of the window I tried to stare at the sky hoping for a solution. Stars were shining timidly and moon was behind the clouds. No one was walking on the street and dogs were barking to the invisible enemy. Irresistible coldness outside the window was luring me though I was awake in the night of February. Dogs started to bark again. It seemed they were the only creatures to understand my turmoil. What was I feeling back then? Was that jealousy?
I searched a cigarette. I thought that would heal me. Lighter was not in the room. I went to the kitchen and lighted a cigarette. Smoke, which I enjoyed thoroughly until then, could not comfort me. I puffed smoke-clouds in the air. It suffocated me, more. Wondering what would happen to me if I continued behaving like that, I could not enjoy the cigarette. That was the limit. Clock was moving as usual and the needle was pointing towards the three in the morning. There was no sleep in my eyes. I stared inside my room. Everything was perfectly placed. I wished to mess everything that was in order. I did not wanted things to be fine. They did not have right to be perfect while I was being suffocated. Why everything and everyone was right except me? Outside the window I saw a few buses and cycles; must be early birds to catch their time at the city. City outside the window was waking up, slowly.
I intended to go for a walk since there was enough light to go outside. I met regular walkers. All of them looked fresh and happy. Some were with their wives, some with their pets, young ones were in karate kit, and some of them were housewives. I felt everything the same, except my mind. The city was same and the people as well.
Mobile in the pocket rang. I looked at the phone, and she was calling.
“Good Morning” She said. “How was last night? Did you sleep well?”
I did not know what to say, whether to tell her the truth or not.
“Fine” I lied. “How was yours?”I asked her. She was happy.

I think, it was jealousy what I felt the whole night. Away from her and I am worthless. 
It seems platonic and foolish. But that’s the way it is and that’s the way I am.