I am Looking For Me

I searched myself,

https://www.flickr.com/photos/9933300@N02/5803068620

on Google.

Three times in an hour, not sure
what I was looking for.

Bored.

Clueless, for sure.

I saw my name popped up,

I saw me, my picture, news, accolades, data, information, Google, Bing.

Do people have time to read all this?

Do I exist outside of these pages?
Am i defined by these info layers?

Neon-lighted, layered, e-pages that no one cares for?

Does it matter?

I scrolled and scrolled down the pages,

So many identities, names, profiles.

Lying their unnoticed and unrecognized.

Lifeless lives, electronically dead, decaying encryption, digital IDs.

I searched myself, again, hoping to find something new, although,

I know.

Nothing has changed in an hour.

The cycle continues, and even-though I know

there is nothing new to look for. 
Yet.

I searched myself, one more time.

Is it to confirm that I am still alive? Or

To ensure my existence?
Is it because I don't know what else to do? Or
I cannot decide what i should do?

Google does not have answer to my questions.

Am I trapped with-in a powerful data center?

Am I becoming a series of codes?

Who knows?

One last time,

I searched myself.

To know I am alive.

To know, I am still being upgraded.

I could see a new update patch coming,

to add info on my profile page.

The new info was

the date of my digital death

Now, I know

what I was searching for

I was searching for me, myself.
Searching for that cannot be found on a page.

I was searching my soul.

Red River Valley

Have you ever felt that the path you are walking is already walked, sometimes before that you are not aware of? Would it be normal to feel so strongly that you see yourself on the screen when you are watching a movie?

Just happened. And I am not able to forget how that young boy sang "Red River Valley" in the movie "Wild". His innocence and the portrayal was so raw, I am not able to stop thinking how poignant his voice was, how velvety were those eyes. He appeared for, maybe, a minute or so. But he was so true to his words, I could not let that face go away. A rejuvenation, find-yourself-from-others moment in its true sense.

I felt the connection. I was crossing the Pacific trail alongside Reese Witherspoon. I was feeling the heat of Southern California desert, almost touched the nice lush forest, shriveled in that snowy mountain-pass, and completely drenched by west-coast torrential thunderous rain. I normally do not relate to movies and I am definitely not an audience who looks for an artistic twist in every plot. I am not "god-fatherly", cliche af.

How do you let go of something? I am a keeper. I secretly stored my texts, photos, and more than that - memories. 

I thrive on memories. Memories - some are good and some are bad. And others, well, they are precious- good, bad and ugly.

"Red River Valley" from the movie made me search the song and there was Marty Robbins. And, I must admit that I am in awe of his voice. So much so that, I am compelled to come back to my good old blog. Where I don't want to come back, just because I have some memories here - overtly raw grammatical memories.

Marty Robbins is my new favorite. I have been listening to his records and continuing with John Denver for almost two hours now.

Ripping the book pages you already finished reading to lessen the weight. What a life lesson that is. Don't hold on to your memories. They bring you grief, attachment, and sorrow. Rip them apart so that you don't have to carry the baggage. If only, I can do that the way I was able to understand the analogy.

Our memories are old chambers. No-one can access the corners and alleys. Well, not yet. Who knows the "Black Mirror"-ish future where memories are uploaded to the cloud for reference.

As of now, I am holding on to my memories. I am yet to rip them apart. I am trying and there are some pages, lost, and for good.

Here's a red river valley.

How long it has been? A Decade

It's been 16 years and counting. The enthusiasm to perform and getting into something adventurous still excites that inner conscience. 
Irrelevant yet true, rejection still rubs my ego. Yes, it does. 
But what happened in the last decade and a half is, I see the bigger picture when I stumble upon something I did not hope for. 
There are not enough words to describe that bigger picture coz if you do,you are a liberated saint. I am still a worldly puppet who is happy on material gains. I don't think I will be aware enough not to have longing. 
Still, not caring or letting it go helps us in a different way. It reduces the pressure to confront a must-win situation. Since, always winning is not on your agenda anymore. 
It does not mean we should not strive towards our objective. I still have desired goals that I wish to achieve. 
However, one thing for sure, I do not resent on things that was not achieved. Rather, these days, I analyse. What was the wrong move? What could had been different? What are the things to consider next time? 
It allows you to focus on future and not dwell in the past. 
Having said that, I must confess, it's not easy. Not getting what you desire is never easy.
It hurts. 
But I know, it will not last long. Look back and you will realize. How many times you thought, this is a tipping point. Yet, you are here. And you will keep on moving forward.
So, no to ego-bitching and yes to that unknown future.
Liberated? Not quite there yet.

I NEED A DREAM. NO, NOT A WISH

What triggers your dream? The most important prelude to success is to start correct. We require positive frame of mind if we want to commit ourselves to something new. Having a dream is critical but the execution of your dream is vital for its longevity. The dream does not demand your hard-work and grit. They can come and go. They are temporary and remaining idle can also create a very nice dream. Following your dream to its end is the real character for a person.

I always dream but lack the diligence to follow. Once I lack the perseverance and fail to clear the hurdles in front of me, the dream is only a wish. How to make that wish a reality depends on how determined I am. I believe commitment is also a key factor for different personality type. Committing yourself to a specific path to achieve a target creates a winning mentality. Whereas, the discontinuity of your commitment lowers your confidence.

Be committed, continue hard-work and never let your dream be a mere wish. Simple path to follow your dreams.

The Story that is yet to be told

Sometimes the music hits a right chord and most of the times, for me, the words outlasts. The everyday words could create a rendition that would be felt deep down. So tender, so vague and so silky. The untold story, where not having each other is a trueness and a success. The unfinished end, where the heaven belies in the eyes of the narrator. The true sense of love and devotion. Gaining is not important, always, and that holds true when you recount the relation of the sky and the land in the  horizon. It always looks together from far but you never will find a place where they meet. Yet we devour horizon and stamp the ultimate and timeless authority of togetherness over it. Why would we do that? Why we treat something that never is together as a symbol of bonding? The response lies in a sense. Its not always necessary that achieving something is  success and true is that fact that togetherness is not always by nearness and proximity. It could be a ultimate harmony as displayed by the sky and the land in the horizon. They are never together but they are never far aways as well. Whenever you think of sky there is always a land. Like the tale of two eyes where one would never see other and separate on its own. But the biggest irony is they never exist on their own and are complete only if they are with each other but not getting to know the other. 

The thought keeps on coming and I was savouring mind numbing words in the voice of Arijit. The rise and fall of background music and the completeness of each and every word makes this a masterpiece for me. It had hit a right senses for me. I always follow the words first. Hamari Adhuri Kahani 

प्यासका ये समा, खत्म हो जाएगा
कुछ अधुरा सा जो था, पुरा हो जाएगा
झुक गया आसमान, मिल गये दो जहाँ
हर तर्फ हे मिलनका समा
डोलियाँ हे सजी, खुसबुएँ हर कहीं
पढने आया खुदा खुद यहाँ
हमारी अधुरी कहानी

Mystery Behind a Trailer

A trailer, the small window depicting a whole world inside. You have to be a perfect artist to create a trailer that summarizes what you really want to communicate. The part of a whole and a whole on its own, a trailer, could be a complete self if you know how to make it.

I recently watched a trailer for "Shamitabh", a movie by Dhanush and Amitabh Bacchan. The movie has been released and I have not yet watched it. It seems that I will not be watching it anytime soon. But still, I was captured by it's trailer. It is an epitome of the movie and creates an urge inside my mind. You are left clueless after you see the trailer and that to me, was a success. The trailer is not a whole story and its purpose is to create a sweet illusion. You should not understand the whole story and you always think that you understand a part of it. If audiences understand the whole story by a trailer, that's not the objective. If they are not excited by the clip, its a failure. The Shamitabh trailer was a perfect example of how not to give all and how to remain intriguing when its come to the story of a movie. 

After the trailer you understand, the movie is all about a film industry. And the characters will tell you a story of a larger than life cinematic view. But you don't get how will it unfold further by the trailer. The most interesting part of a trailer is Dhanush. This dark, think, lanky and not so classy guy makes all the difference you want in the clip. As all stories need bad to showcase good and ugly to highlight beautiful. The Dhanush effect is that not-a-filmy content in the trailer that makes the whole story very filmy. The contrast you feel on your TV when you see Dhanush in a nice formal attire grooving with Bacchan, is a winning strategy. That will lure audiences to at least feel and see, why are they paired together and how will he survive? It's the urge that audience develop inside their mind by creating a contrast between two actors is a success of a trailer. The contrast is a catch and is a mystery. Even though, I don't know a real story of a movie but pairing of these two great actors was a perfect enough mystery for me to ponder on Shamitabh.

Hope its a good movie and I always feel the black guy would brighten the silver screen along with that old drunkard.

The intriguing trailer

It's complex what you do

It's disillusioning everything we do in our everyday life. I wonder what would be our motives behind our everyday action. It is a well known fact that we are here to succeed, achieve and move forward in our life. Yet we see many tired, tested, devastated and not so motivated to muscle their everyday chore. Is it because, a person does not have a zeal or a person loses the zeal to move forward.

A beggar in the metro station asking for a money with a placard and a musician in the same place playing guitar amusing the passer by, both have a same motive. Still, the big difference lies in their motivation. One is simply displaying a pity while the other is showcasing a talent. One should always think of what s/he is capable of and don't be disillusioned. Keep moving forward focusing the goal you have. The great people always say setting a goal is the biggest task and what you do afterwards is just the everyday life.

So, have a goal in a life to understand what and why we are continuing with our everyday action. And whatever we do , we cannot getaway with soothing music for a motivation. Lyrics to die for and music makes you go tight eyed. Aakhon k sagar #ShafqatAmanatAli

Do you dream?

We always dream. We do. There is nothing wrong about it. Daydreaming is a favorite hobby I have possessed since a long time. It's a fascinating way to design. You will immersed into the vastness of dreams and generally unrealistic world. There is always a positivism attached to it and it will always surprised you. One can do whatever one could think of, whenever one wished for and whatever one can think of. The ray of wisdom travel faster than the light and is capable to land you anywhere in a fraction of second. 

The propensity you have had in you will deliver the designing of your dream. You start, enjoy and complete your design inside your time frame. Come out of the dream and there will be new you. Refreshed, renewed and satisfied. You have accomplished the unthinkable. You can walk in the sky, sleep in the ocean and reside deep in the earthy core. One can listen to the outer world, yet is concentrated enough to hear one's self.

A dream could be a form of meditation or a meditation is a practice to dream. The conscience would know what is your design in the dream. If you don't have a conscience then it will only be a dream. Nevertheless it is always refreshing.

So, why would I stop dreaming, the purest form of design that is. Spiritual design.

How many a times?

Listening to a song now. And I am wondering, how many a times we realize, we are actually listening to a song? I prefer healing music, but more than that, my preference is by far a nice lyrics. Yo do not realize what you are missing when you miss the lyrics. Anyone not attentive to words in a song never will understand such a description. The rise and rhythm of words in songs will mesmerize you. The blissful meanings of words are always deep with right kind of music. The masala, one wanted with only a music is what I pity. Wake up and understand what you are murmuring. Let the words enter the realm of your brain and let the cells understand what you are not letting them know. 

Words are powerful. Go deep diving. Try it

I Think And You Reply

I think:

Not a single soul is here right now to talk to me.The most frustrating and depressing moments of the day.Everyone are busy in something else. TV, computer, radio, mobile are here with me but not a single person on the other side of it. People inside TV cannot see me. They are babbling,singing ,dancing crying doing things as they like. Radio seems to be the most updated technology as it know the whole things happening right now.Interest to explore the new world of that old book in that white desk is diminishing and now I am feeling dizzy. It is my day.Is it normal to others? or am I being abnormal slowly?it sounds threatening.

A Reply:

There is always one beside you, 
inside you 
and of course 
always with you. 
You close your eyes 
and feel that essence. 
Definitely you find it.

It's your soul mate .

Every time you feel lonely, 
Close your eyes and start talking 
to that single soul 

Then you don't need 
Neither you nor any one.

However you have to explore the entire world 
and should prove that

"YES I AM THE BEST"

You are normal
Absolutely 
you are.

Thinking about my friends while I am busy with office work, I wonder how many of them are in contact with me right now. Lots of them are in facebook sharing photos and links and I update myself with those online dot coms. I saw birtyday alarms and event sharing in the social media site and don't even bother to care. There are almost 5 or 6 friends sharing the same birthday date and I don't even want to wish them. It's really difficult to identify whom you like to call your friends, these days. Colleagues from office,who you share your most of the time on daily basis, could not qualify as your best buddies and the buddies, who you think are your best ones, do not have much time and thing to share with you. So, who are your friends? Am i spending my time with friends?

Confused, and now learned, share things with whoever you are with. Friends are those with whom you share your things and they dont have to be your langautiya buddies. These days , I do have lots of friends coz I don't have friends .